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The art of self-love

Perspectives and techniques of ACT for cultivating self-love

People have always sought the magical formula for self-love. We know this is important for mental health and wellbeing, but it's not always easy to do. In this process, we've encountered a variety of terms and concepts that intersect, but aren't exactly the same. We talk about "self-esteem," referring to the evaluation and perception we have of ourselves, and "self-worth," which refers to the internal recognition of our own value as individuals. However, neither of these terms fully captures the essence of "self-love," that intimate and deep relationship we maintain with our innermost self.

Traditionally, self-love has been presented as the end result of high self-esteem and solid self-worth. We've been sold the idea that to truly love ourselves, we need to always have a positive opinion of ourselves and constantly recognize our value. While there's nothing inherently wrong or bad in these approaches, they can be limited and, at times, even counterproductive. For example, focusing too much on cultivating high self-esteem can make us vulnerable to criticism and failures, as our perception of value might depend on external evaluations or the situation we find ourselves in. Fortunately, there are alternative approaches that allow us to address self-love from a more holistic, rooted, and constant perspective.

Beyond evaluations and judgments, there's a path that focuses on how we relate to ourselves, regardless of external circumstances. This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers us fresh tools and perspectives to rediscover and strengthen the relationship we maintain with our most authentic self. In this article, we'll explore how the ACT approach can shed new light on the concept of self-love, allowing us to establish a deeper and more meaningful connection with ourselves.

A new perspective on self-love

Self-love has long been the focus of numerous self-help books, workshops, and seminars. In popular culture, we've been taught to embrace positive mantras and self-affirmations as key tools for cultivating a positive relationship with ourselves. "I am enough," "I deserve love and happiness," "I am strong and capable"; these phrases resonate in diaries, stickers, and wallpapers of many personal well-being seekers. While these affirmations can be helpful and provide a temporary boost of confidence, what happens when we face situations that challenge these mantras? What happens when, despite repeating these affirmations, feelings of doubt and self-criticism persist?

Positive thinking, although it can be helpful, has its limits. It can become a constant effort to keep negative thoughts and feelings at bay, which can be exhausting and, at times, unsustainable. Moreover, this internal struggle can create a gap between how we truly feel and how we think we "should" feel.

This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) comes into play. Unlike the traditional approach that prioritizes feeling good all the time, ACT invites us to adopt a different stance. It's not about eliminating or replacing "negative" thoughts and emotions, but about changing our relationship with them. Instead of fighting against thoughts of self-criticism or feelings of inadequacy, ACT teaches us to observe them without judgment and to accept them as part of the human experience. This acceptance doesn't mean resignation, but acknowledgment. We recognize these thoughts and feelings without letting them dictate our self-assessment or actions.

The key is psychological flexibility: the ability to stay in touch with the present and act according to our values, even when we experience challenging thoughts and feelings. From the perspective of ACT, self-love isn't based on feeling good all the time, but on adaptively relating to our internal experience (thoughts, emotions, and behaviors), allowing us to act in ways that align with what we truly value and desire for our lives.

From the perspective of ACT, self-love isn't based on always having a positive perception of oneself. Instead, it focuses on cultivating a healthy relationship with our internal experience, with what we think and feel. It's less about "I feel good about myself" and more about "I relate to myself in a healthy and constructive way, regardless of how I feel at a given moment."

Let's take an example to make these concepts a bit easier to understand...

Imagine you're an artist who worked hard on a piece for months and decide to present it at an exhibition. At this exhibition, you receive particularly harsh criticism of your work.

From a traditional self-love perspective centered on self-esteem, you might try to counter that criticism by repeating positive affirmations to yourself, such as "I am a great artist" or "that person doesn't know what they're talking about." You're combating negative criticism with positive thinking, which can work in the short term, but doesn't necessarily address the pain or insecurity that criticism has awakened in you.

From the perspective of ACT, you would approach the situation differently. First, you would allow the feeling of disappointment or sadness to be there without trying to suppress or change it. You would recognize the thought of "maybe I'm not good enough" without judging it or fully identifying with it. Instead of getting caught up in that thought, you would observe it as a passing event of your mind, not as an absolute truth about you or your ability.

Then, you would reflect on your values. Asking questions like: "Why did I create this piece of art in the first place? What are my fundamental values as an artist?" You might recognize that you value authenticity, expression, and personal growth through art. With this in mind, you can choose to act according to those values, perhaps acknowledging areas for improvement in your work and seeking to learn and grow from the criticism, or maybe just appreciating the fact that you had the courage to share your art with the world.

Thus, self-love in ACT manifests in the way you relate to your thoughts and feelings, especially in difficult moments, and how you choose to act according to what's truly important to you. It's a dynamic and constantly evolving process, rather than a static state of self-appreciation.

Acceptance: embracing all parts of you

Acceptance goes beyond mere tolerance or resignation. It is an active and conscious process of allowing ourselves to fully experience our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations without trying to change them, suppress them, or judge them. It's embracing the entirety of our human experience, both the pleasant and unpleasant parts.

Think of acceptance as opening the door to a visitor, rather than keeping it closed. That visitor could be sadness, fear, frustration, or any other emotion. Instead of blocking the entrance or trying to throw the visitor out, you invite them in, acknowledging their presence. It doesn't mean you like or enjoy the company of that visitor, but you recognize that they're there and you give them space.

So, how does acceptance relate to self-love?

Self-love, at its core, is a relationship you have with yourself. Just like in any relationship, depth and authenticity come from seeing and accepting the other in their entirety, with their strengths, weaknesses, imperfections, and everything else. The same goes for the relationship you have with yourself.

When you practice acceptance, you are practicing a deep form of self-acceptance. You're saying: "It's okay to feel this, it's okay to think this, I don't need to be perfect, I don't need to always be happy, confident, or in control to be valuable or to love myself." This stance is liberating. It frees you from the constant internal struggle of trying to be someone or something you're not. Instead of spending energy trying to reject or change certain parts of yourself, you can invest that energy in actions that align with your values and in building a meaningful life.

In essence, acceptance leads you to a deeper understanding of yourself. You recognize that you are a complex human being, with a wide range of emotions and thoughts, and that's okay. This recognition and embrace of your humanity is a fundamental pillar of genuine self-love. It's through this lens of acceptance that you can see yourself with compassion, kindness, and, above all, unconditional love.

Cognitive detachment: you are not your thoughts

In our daily lives, we often get trapped in a constant flow of thoughts. Some are neutral, others are positive, and many can be critical or negative. One of the main insights offered by Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is the idea that we are not our thoughts. Rather, we are the conscious observer who notices these thoughts.

Thoughts are transient events that come and go in the mind. Imagine your mind is like a sky, and each thought is a cloud that passes by. Some clouds are large and dark, others are light and fluffy, but all are temporary and none is a fixed or permanent representation of the sky.

Now, how does this relate to self-criticism and constant self-evaluations? When you identify too much with a thought, especially a negative or critical thought about yourself, it's like you merge with that "cloud" and forget the vast sky that you really are. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy, self-criticism, and a decrease in self-love.

For example, if you have the thought "I am not good enough," and you merge with it, you might start to believe that this thought is an absolute truth about you. This belief can influence your actions, leading you to avoid opportunities or be too hard on yourself.

However, by practicing cognitive detachment, you can start to see this thought simply as a thought, not as a truth about you. You can recognize it and say, "Ah, there's the 'I'm not good enough' thought again," without being dragged down by it. This frees you from the need to react, defend yourself, or criticize yourself further.

In the context of self-love, cognitive detachment allows you to be kinder and more understanding towards yourself. Instead of beating yourself up each time you have a critical thought, you can observe it with curiosity and compassion. You recognize that, like everyone else, you have a mind that produces all kinds of thoughts, and you don't need to take them all literally.

Related to the previous point about acceptance, cognitive detachment is another tool that allows you to embrace all parts of yourself without judgment. While acceptance helps you to allow and embrace your emotions and sensations, cognitive detachment frees you from the tyranny of your critical thoughts and self-evaluations. Together, these practices form the basis of a genuine, deep, and resilient self-love.

Personal values: the foundation of authentic self-love

Our values are like the lighthouse guiding our ships through both storms and calm waters alike. They are the intrinsic qualities we define as most important in our lives, determining not only how we act but also how we feel about ourselves and the world around us. While it's easy to confuse values with goals or desires, values are deeper: they are the underlying qualities that drive these goals and desires.

Discovering and living according to our values is essential for self-love. When we act in alignment with what we truly value, we experience a sense of congruence and purpose. This is very different from simply going with the flow or acting according to what others expect of us. It's the difference between living a life that feels authentically ours and living a life that seems dictated by external forces.

Consider, for example, someone who deeply values authenticity and human connection. If this person finds themselves in an environment where they are expected to wear a social mask all the time, they are likely to feel a disconnect between their actions and what they truly value. However, if they choose to live and act in accordance with those values, seeking authenticity in their interactions and fostering deep connections, they will experience greater satisfaction and self-love.

On the other hand, living based on external achievements or social validation can provide a temporary sense of worth, but it's often fleeting and dependent on circumstances outside our control. For example, basing self-love on professional success, social recognition, or physical appearance can lead to an emotional roller coaster, as these factors can change and are not guaranteed.

In contrast, values are constants. If you value kindness, that's a guideline you can follow regardless of whether you are employee of the month or have made a mistake at work. By acting according to kindness, you feel good about yourself not because of what you achieve, but because of how you choose to live.

In essence, focusing on personal values provides a solid and lasting foundation for self-love. It allows us to feel good about ourselves from an internal and authentic place, rather than depending on external achievements or the opinions of others. It's the journey of living a life that resonates with what truly matters to us, and that is the essence of authentic self-love.

Commitment to action: love in action

Self-love is not merely a fleeting feeling or an affirmation we repeat in front of the mirror. It is a deliberate and constant action. It is the act of showing up for oneself, day after day, and making choices that reflect our respect and care for ourselves. And one of the most powerful ways to do this is through a commitment to actions that are in tune with our personal values.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) emphasizes the importance of "committing" to actions that reflect our values. It is not enough to simply know or recognize what we value; authentic self-love is manifested when we put those values into practice in our daily life.

For example, if you value health and wellbeing, the act of dedicating time to exercise, preparing a nutritious meal, or resting adequately is a tangible manifestation of that self-love. You are not doing these things out of vanity or due to external pressures, but because you recognize your own worth and treat yourself with the respect and care you deserve.

On the other hand, we all have long-term goals and aspirations, whether in our career, relationships, or personal development. Sometimes, the path to these goals can be fraught with challenges or distractions. This is where commitment to action becomes crucial. It's easy to give in to instant gratification or stray off the path when obstacles arise. However, self-love involves recognizing our long-term needs and aspirations and acting on them, even when it's difficult. This could manifest in actions like dedicating time each day to work on a personal project, setting healthy boundaries in relationships that are not beneficial, or seeking help and resources to overcome barriers in our path. Each of these acts is an affirmation of our worth and an investment in our wellbeing and future.

Commitment to action is, essentially, "love in action." It's not about words or fleeting feelings, but about concrete choices and actions that reflect the high esteem in which we hold ourselves. It's a daily reminder that we are worthy of love, care, and respect, and that we have the power and responsibility to treat ourselves with that love.

You as context: discovering the "observing self"

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) introduces a profoundly transformative perspective on identity: the notion of the "self" as context. Instead of viewing ourselves simply as a sum of labels, roles, abilities, failures, and successes, ACT proposes that there is a fundamental and constant aspect of ourselves that is the observer of all these experiences. It is the "self" that has been present throughout our life, unchanging, while all experiences, thoughts, and emotions have flowed around it.

Why is this idea relevant when we talk about self-love? Because it invites us to an understanding of ourselves that is immutable and stable, beyond the judgments and evaluations we often subject ourselves to. When we identify too much with labels (for example, "I am a failure", "I am a winner", "I am shy"), our sense of self-esteem and self-love can fluctuate greatly depending on whether these labels are perceived positively or negatively. But when we recognize the "observing self", we realize that our intrinsic value is not affected by these transient labels.

Imagine for a moment a movie screen. The movies projected on it change: sometimes they are comedies, other times dramas or tragedies. But the screen itself remains unchanged by what is projected on it. Similarly, the "observing self" is like that screen, and the experiences, thoughts, and emotions are the movies. No matter how intense or challenging an experience, the "observing self" remains intact.

By connecting with this part of ourselves, we develop a form of self-awareness and self-connection that is profound and stable. We are no longer pushed and pulled by the vicissitudes of life or our internal criticism. We recognize that, in essence, we are much more than any label or judgment we may place on ourselves.

This realization is not only liberating, but it is also fundamental for cultivating a solid and resilient self-love. When we understand and experience that our value is not based on achievements, appearances, or external judgments, but on the simple fact of being, self-love becomes an innate and constant quality, rather than something we need to earn or protect. It is the unconditional love for ourselves that arises from recognizing and honoring our deepest essence.

In summary...

Throughout history, the quest for self-love has been a constant in the human experience. We all yearn to feel valid, accepted, and appreciated, starting with ourselves. However, popular culture often presents us with a superficial version of self-love, limited to positive affirmations and external validations. Although these tools may have their place, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy opens the doors to a deeper and more enriching understanding of what it really means to love ourselves.

In this article, I invite you to go beyond transient labels and judgments, and to connect with that essential and constant part of us: the "observing self". It's about accepting and embracing all facets of our human experience, and acting from a place of authenticity and personal values. Instead of seeking a self-love conditioned by achievements or the opinions of others, ACT guides us towards an unconditional love based on the understanding and acceptance of our true essence.

For many, this may be a revolutionary perspective. It breaks with many of the myths and misunderstandings that surround the concept of self-love in our society. However, for those who choose to embark on this journey of self-discovery through the lens of ACT, the potential for transformation and growth is immense.

As we conclude this journey, I invite you, dear reader, to explore these concepts and techniques on your own journey. It's not just about adopting a new philosophy, but about experiencing it and allowing it to illuminate and enrich your relationship with yourself. Each step, each moment of self-awareness, each choice made from your values, is an opportunity to delve into that authentic self-love that we all carry within.

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